To Be Contented
by Nuwanda
Summary: Sometimes relationships can be true without love. Sometimes fufillment can be acheived without devotion. Sometimes it is easy to be contented. Slash, VanAllen.


A/N:  *deep breath* Okay, this is my first Escaflowne fic, so be nice, 'k?  Arigato.  I still haven't seen all of the series...barely any of it, actually.  I'm not even sure why I'm writing this fic, since I really can't see any pairings yet other than Hitomi with either Van or Allen, or Milerna with either Allen or Dryden...any other pairings in there?  Hmmm...none that I see.  Still, I can see this pairing happening, not out of love, but out of a need for something.  *hangs head* Watashi no kami-sama...you're all going to kill me, aren't you?  Probably.  FYI, this starts out in Allen's POV, the second chapter will be Van's...got it?  Bon.  A bit of the dialogue will be directly taken from the series, but in order to be creative, I'll be adding in sections that aren't in there...kapiche?  Bon.

Pairing:  Van/Allen  *makes cross with fingers* Please don't hurt me!  You'll understand, I hope!  Matte!  You'll see!

Summary:  Allen seems unable to tell Eries what he wants.  Van seems unwilling to trust anyone.  Both are in need of someone to understand their deepest desires.  Could they each be just what the other needs?  Slash, Allen/Van.

Disclaimer:  I am quite positive that I don't own Escaflowne, or this fucked up sidestory would very probably be in there.  For that very reason, be thankful that I'm not the owner of this brilliant anime.

Chapter 1

            "I'll never fall in love again."

            As soon as I speak the words, I regret it.  Eries would see past them, wouldn't be fooled for a minute.  *I* wasn't even fooling *myself*.  She stares at me, those wide blue eyes that so resemble her sister's...sometimes memories can hurt more than physical wounds or words.

            "Liar."  And she's gone, leaving me alone again with memories I don't want to have.  //Marlene.../

            I wander for however long I don't know, my footsteps echoing through large, empty corridors.  I truly don't care where I'm going, either, even though it's *incredibly* late at night.  Ever since I can remember, sleep has been a problem for me.  First after the loss of my family, then....//It's hard to sleep peacefully alone when you've slept so happily next to another.//

            Suddenly, I feel the cool night breeze, bitter and cold against my face.  Coming to my senses, I look about me and realize that my footsteps have led me to the roof.  Tilting my head back, I take a deep breath of the fresh night air, restoring my senses.  Slowly, I realize that I'm not alone.

            Standing in front of me is Van.  He's balanced precariously on the low wall of the roof, eyes closed as he stands there, sword held out in front of him.  As I watch, he begins going through the motions of a bout, eyes still shut as the blade slices effortlessly through the air.

            I can see for the first time just how determined he is.  As I shiver in the cold night air, I stare at him, clad only in those beige pants and that loose red tank top of his.  //He must be *freezing*...// I think in wonder.  It's an impressive show of devotion, that Van would stay up this late practicing his swordplay in weather this cold...balanced on the wall of an incredibly high building with his eyes *shut*.  I shake my head, thoroughly impressed.  Then, realization hits me like a brick.

            In that moment, Van is pure beauty.  His dark hair, ruffled in the breeze, shines brilliant and effulgent in the pale and shimmering moonlight.  Those emotion filled eyes are shut, long dark lashes tracing silky patterns across his skin, which shines like palest alabaster in the radiance of the evening.  The movements he makes, the swipes of the sword...all smooth as silk and twice as delightful. 

            I don't know why I interrupt him.  All I know is that the next instant, I hear my own voice, far too loud as it cuts through the peaceful night air with just one word:  "Van!"

            His concentration broken, his eyes fly open.  He stares at me, his expression unreadable once again now that his eyes are open.  I smile.

            "I'll be your sparring partner."  For a moment, I think I'm going to be refused outright, or that he'll politely decline, or even just plain ignore me and turn right away.  I'm wrong.  A moment later, he returns the smile, stepping down from the wall and coming to stand only a few feet away from me.  Then, the smile is gone, replaced by a look of utter seriousness, and we're fighting.

            It doesn't last very long.  Van is good, but I've been training longer than him.  I marvel at how much he's improved since we last fought.  And yet, his main problem continues to be in his lack of aggression.  He runs at me, and I know that this is the end of it.  I disarm him easily.  The sword clatters to the ground a few feet away from us, and we stand still.  Both of us are breathing heavily; Van's hands are on his slim hips as he regains his breath.  One look at his discouraged face and I can tell that he's mentally kicking himself for losing.

            "You're still not aggressive enough."

            His eyes flick up to look at me, dark and brooding.  He's annoyed with me, possibly for my words and possibly because I'm right, or maybe a bit of both.  Then, the expression fades as he looks away, moving to retrieve and sheathe his sword before turning to stare off into the night sky.  I sigh.

            "You don't trust anyone, do you?"

            For a moment, he doesn't even react.  Then, he slowly turns his head, looking at me, eyes very calculating.  "Do *you*?"

            I can't help but smile.  "Fair enough."  He turns away again, staring at the stars.  I walk over to stand next to him, determined to get him to open up.  "Sometimes, though, I wonder."  There is a long, long pause in which I wait for Van's curiosity to get the better of him.  It doesn't.  I sigh yet again.  //This is going to be harder than I thought.//  I follow up my own statement with another.  "I wonder about you..."

            "Why?"

            I nearly fall over in shock, barely able to stop the smile from spreading across my face, happy at my success, but the look fades as I continue in the serious vein in which I've begun.  "Why you're so quiet and withdrawn.  Why you act like you have the world on your shoulders...." I pause.  "Why you have such a problem being aggressive."

            Van doesn't look at me, and for a second, I think I may have gone too far.  Finally, he speaks, up, but it's not what I want to know.  "My problems are none of your *business*, Allen-san," he replies, voice bitter and mocking, immitating the way Hitomi speaks to me.  Turning on his heel, he strides off.  I follow him, doubling my pace so as to overtake him.

            "Yeah?  Well, I think that it *is* my business, Van!"  I catch up with him, my arm shooting out in front of him to block his way as I step between him and the exit.  "I think you need to learn to open up.  I think that you're being a royal pain in the ass.  *And* I think that if you want my help, I deserve to have a fucking explanation of what I'm getting myself into!"

            Before I've fully realized what's happening, I've been relocated, my back shoved hard against the wall, Van's fists clenched in the front of my shirt, his face about an inch from mine.  I shake off my surprise and laugh heartily.

            "*There* you go, Van!  *That's* the aggression you need!"

            "Fuck you!" he hisses, Cimmerian eyes flashing with barely leashed in lightening as he glowers at me.  And at that moment, I'm truly a little alarmed.  I've never seen Van so angry before.  "You think you deserve to know about me?  *Fuck* *you*!"  He releases me, shoving me up harder against the wall as he does so, striding off.  Before he can get more than a few steps away, I'm at his side, grabbing him and shoving *him* hard against the wall.  I stare at him, slightly angry myself.

            "*Yeah*, I think I deserve to know."  I look into his eyes, those defiant black eyes, and feel like I've been hit.  At that instant, it's as if I can understand his pain, know everything bad that's happened him, know exactly how he felt when it happened.  I stare at him.  "Then again...maybe I know already."  Before the full impact of what I'm doing reaches my brain, my mouth is pressed up against Van's and I'm *kissing* him.  And this isn't any little kiss.  My lips brush roughly up against his, all the frustration and annoyance and amazement I've felt for him all this time bursting to the surface, along with another emotion I had never noticed was there before:  *desire*.  This knowledge sweeps through me, along with the intensity of the kiss, and I pull away, staring at Van in surprise.  Dark eyes stare back at me with complete shock...and understanding.  "I...I don't know why I just did that," I manage finally.

            Van gazes back at me, an understanding in his eyes which wasn't there before.  "Yes you do," he replies.  I return his gaze.

            "Maybe I do.  I didn't know before now, but maybe- just now- maybe I do."  And I *do* understand.  It' s like I've been given a special new mind reading power, but the only mind I can read is Van's.  I can see his thoughts, how hard it's been for him all his life.  The suspicion people regard him with.  I can't tell *why*.  I can't understand that much, only that Van has been treated with contempt for something he can't change.  Something else here, too...something about a brother he lost.  Mostly, I sense pain...incredible pain and loss.  And I can understand.  I can appreciate his feelings.  And when I look into his eyes, I see that the same thing has happened with him.  Somehow, Van understands me now.  He knows something of what I've been through, and he understands.

            We stand in silence for a long time, staring at each other.  A gentle breeze blows by, rustling through Van's hair, sweeping it over those beautiful dark eyes of his.  I shiver, and it's *not* from the wind.  I step yet closer.  He stares up at me, those defiant black eyes filled with an unusual mixture of bravado and...something new.  

            "It looks like we both have very similar situations," I say softly.  "It looks like we're both looking for something...or someone."

            "Allen..." he begins, but I shush him.

            "I'm not suggesting anything," I say.  "I'm not asking you to make me some promise or give up on whatever else you care about.  I'm not asking for anything.  I just think that...maybe...you and I...maybe we could be there for each other."

            "*Allen*."

            I cut off abruptly.  "I'm sorry," I mutter.  "I don't know what possessed me."  I turn on my heel to go.  Immediately, I'm stopped by a hand on my wrist.  I spin around, and see Van, staring at me very somberly.  He steps forward, staring up at me with that same look on his face.  Still holding my wrist, he tugs gently on it, placing my hand on his waist.  Reaching out, he takes my other hand and places that on his slim hips as well and moves closer to me, his arms sliding up around my neck to tangle in my hair as he pulls me close and kisses me.  It's gentler than the kiss of a few moments ago.  Van's lips are soft and sweet as they brush lightly against mine, full of a hesitance and uncertainty that would be a turn-off with most people, but from Van, it's sweet, sexy...almost endearing.  When we pull apart, it's very slow, like pulling a semi-melted toffee from a vat of caramel.  It takes us a few minutes to get our wits back, both of us breathing a little heavier than before.  Gazing down at Van, I can't help but smile.  "And I said you weren't aggressive enough."  Van even smiles a little, but the expressions soon fade and we simply stare at each other.  Van leans forwards, tilting his face upward to reach mine.

            "Do it," he whispers.  "This is what I want."  Words hang in the air, unspoken:  //This is what I *need*// Even though he doesn't say it aloud, I understand...because this is what I feel as well.

            "I know..." I murmur quietly, our faces less than an inch apart now.  "I want it too."  //I need it too.//

            When we left the roof, I don't know.  Everything is a blur there...a blur of red and black and flashing eyes.  All I can hear is his voice, soft and rough and so hot it burned to listen to it, it hurt *not* to.  All I feel is his lips as they trace across mine, as they trace over my skin...his hands as they trail over my body, never still.  We tumble our way down the stairs, tripping every other step, not looking where we're going as we kiss, unwilling to separate even in the short walk downstairs, not even caring if we're seen or not. 

            I recognize suddenly the door to the room I'm staying in.  Moments later, we're inside.  I collapse backwards, tugging Van down with me, and feel the mattress soft against my back.  Van is on top of me, hands running down my chest, ridding me of my vest, then my shirt.  His mouth hungrily seeks out each newly revealed inch of skin.  I moan aloud before flipping him over onto his back, where he stares up at me in heated surprise.  "My turn," I whisper, sliding my hands underneath his tank top and pulling it up and off.  My hands slide flat-palmed up his bare chest, greedily relishing in the smoothness of his skin.  "*God*, you're beautiful," I murmur, staring down at him.  Heavy-lidded eyes open slowly to stare at me.

            "Take me," he whispers.  I need no further encouragement.  Leaning down, I capture his lips once again with a tempestuous kiss, nipping roughly at his lower lip, delighting in the gasp of pleasure it elicits.  And as I melt into Van, as I give over all thought to these moments with him, all feelings of pain and loss disappear, both from my mind and his.  At that moment, when I hear him cry out my name, I once again feel fulfilled.  And when I fall asleep later, my arms wrapped tightly around the dusky-haired boy sleeping peacefully beside me, I once again know how it feels to sleep peacefully, mind completely at rest.  Once again, I know how it feels to be contented.

~TBC~

A/N:  So...*bites her lip nervously* What do you think?  I hope you all like it, and Dalamar/Tiernoch/Erika, I hope you don't eat me for this.  I know you love Van.  I love Van too.  Too bad you got to him first.  DAMN YOU, DALAMAR!  *waves fists angrily and throws several flaming green mackerels at Erika*  Yeah...so there.  Well, *I* can see it happening, so you have to deal with it.  I just hope you still like me and won't eat me and are still glad that you took me to Hershey Park with you.  Dalamar and Raistlin take Hershey Park.  Whoo hoo moo!

Anyway, review, and PLEASE BE NICE!  ALL FLAMES WILL BE USED (AS I'VE STATED BEFORE) TO BURN MY UGLY CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRL SKORT!!!

PS~  I think this should just be a one part thing, but let me know if you disagree and want more!  I don't know what I'll write, but hey, I can try!  We aims ta please!  ^_^

Dedications:

Erika:  If you don't hate me for this, I'll give you ANYTHING!  I SWEAR!  This dedication is just the beginning!  *bows apologetically*  GOMEN NASEI!  

Tiff:  Thanks a yahoo for loaning me Escaflowne and Fushigi Yugi and Sailor Moon, etc etc!  You're so awesome!  Copious amounts of bishonen and fanfic ideas and fun!  Ummm...yeah!   


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